Welcome to my blog which this morning admits to being a little short of inspiration although it is already in a very different mood from half an hour ago when it woke up, made a cup of coffee and contemplated the current reality of uncertainty and lack of focus. Such contemplation being unhelpful to a good mood, I diverted myself by checking out the latest from Greece only to find a very local headline at the top of ‘Latest News’ list, ‘Several Killed in M5 Crash.’
Officers said the crash, which happened close to junction 25 at about 20:30 GMT on Friday, led to "one massive fireball" at the scene. ‘Several’ people died and up to 35 were injured in the 27-vehicle crash on the M5 near Taunton, Somerset. Emergency crews said the cause of the crash was not clear, but there had been reports of heavy rain and fog.
About four hours before that accident took place, I was in Birmingham, returning my elder grandson to his parents. (By the way: does anyone else find that listening to stories while they drive, sends them to sleep? I had my first experience of stories, rather than radio, yesterday while listening to ‘Stormbreaker’ by Anthony Horrowitz. It wasn’t that the story was dull yet my eyes began to close and I had to open the window to wake myself up. Not something I’d do again.) Anyway, when my daughter’s husband returned from work I had a choice, either to leave straight away or stay on, see my daughter, have some dinner and then drive back to Somerset after the Friday night rush hours. Throughout the day I’d heard weather warnings about torrential rain in the South West and driving at night in rain isn’t my favourite thing, so I opted for heading for home but then as I sat in the car I thought I should change my mind and not leave so hurriedly. On the other hand it was still light, so I set off.
The M42 was slow but mostly moving. The M5 initially wasn’t so bad though unusually going at 80mph had me passing nearly everyone. Then the rain began and we came so the unlit miles so I mooched along in the slow lane. Around Bristol, where you have a wide choice of motorways to lose your way on in the fog, a crawl began and for a couple of minutes it was so impossible to see I would have pulled up if there had been anywhere to stop. As it was the overall journey took an extra hour. If I’d left two hours later, as I was thinking I should have done, I could have either been in the crash or delayed for six or seven hours.
So, by conflating my decision with a random accident on the M5, I end-up feeling a little better than things than I did on waking. Like the character in ‘A Sense of Ending’, I think it is all about me when of course it isn’t. It’s about those poor people who did lose their lives, or become injured or traumatized, and those emergency services attending to a major accident while policing the Bridgewater Carnival and trying to stop the central town wall by the river from collapsing.
But life is so random is it not?
*****
After writing the above, I continued with my day which primarily involved hosting a small party for two friends who are in the process of moving from India to San Francisco. Switching on the news tonight, I hear that the M5 crash has remained leading the news. Tom Hammill’s (name right?) description of what happened to him is extraordinary and humbling.
*****
Meanwhile, other friends have gone up to London this weekend to join the protests at St Paul’s which the BBC describe as being against capitalist greed. Put like that, it seems deliberately tamed and trivialized. It’s a shame that the stupid church has got involved though satisfying to see the Anglican implosion. Being against things, such as badness and greed, is all very well but the time will have to come soon when alternatives are proposed and adopted. For the time being, I suppose, the best action is to encourage the idea that the financial collapse of the capitalistic system is a good and necessary thing while trying to prevent some charismatic populist seizing power in the vacuum caused by the failure of the present systems.
*****
For those of you following the plot, of whom there is one at most (Hello Singapore!), I am an author trying to create an opening for myself. One hope has been the response of an e-publisher after reading the opening chapters of one of my novels. On the 1st of September I sent him the completed manuscript which he promised to read ‘soon’. Two months later, not a whisper from him. Of course, the whole point of e-books is that I don’t really need a publisher because I could do it myself but this fellow had offered to do the PR and organize me so that having published I could make some sales.
Dream on, young man.
A second link in my chain of success was to be a return to teaching the Avatar Course. To this end, I decided to advertise on the Avatar Website. After a couple of weeks of not seeing my Ad appear, I received an email saying it is so long since I last ‘delivered’ a course that they (the organization) want me to serve an internship. Bollocks to that I think, so rather than actually say that I’ve had to pass the matter on to my inner American, Jack, who is better at handling these setbacks than I am.
Hi, I’m Jack, John’s unhindered self. What to do when feeling knocked back? Take five positive actions.
Go on then. Don’t just think about them, do them. What’s more, name them.
1. I will – this week – contact the woman who is contacting me about ‘internship’.
2. Um…
Meanwhile, here’s 1976 all over again.
PILGRIMAGE TO INDIA 1976
Monday 27th September
Writing this late in the evening and am tired and not able to adequately describe a mad day. Arose quite early and made good time to Montreux when I finally decided to take the freaky route rather than the ‘safe’ road via Zurich. On this trip I’m constantly reminded of the Aslan quote, ‘You never know what would have happened’. Anyway I got a lift from a loony Swiss guy who detoured to deliver some cookers (?) and have a meal in his caravan, plus wine and cognac. He took me to Martigny, the beginning of the mountain journey. Seemed quite possible that, mountains permitting, I’d get to Chur tomorrow. Becoming attached to the idea of seeing Dick and Estee which is maybe why I then got a lift to a small village called Saxone. There I got out of the car and was immediately apprehended by a Belgian guy called Joe. He seems quite young. He has been living in a free hut around here and wanted company to look for work or go to Geneva. Well I was keen on continuing my journey but the good lord doesn’t send these people just for me to ignore them. We went to the hut and at once were descended upon by a bunch of mad freaks – including a chinese chic called Dee who is taking my fancy. They have dominated the evening. Now Joe and I are having a beer before returning to the hut with another guy who stays there. I’m not really keen on staying here but I’ll spend a day looking for work before moving on. – 2 habits I’m trying to develop; 1, to say peace be with you every time a car passes me by and 2, to say a Hail Mary whenever I see a crucifix. THE DAY I WAS INTERRRUPTED AT SAXONE.
Tuesday September 28th September
Yet again endless dreams in the night. One in which I remet all my school acquaintances, a weird one in a park with some girls and worse, dreams about past events. All these dreams put me off sleeping. I don’t remember all the details but I woke-up feeling sad and it has stayed with me all day. At any moment I could cry. Has fucked my day completely. Hasn’t been a good day anyway. Joe and I went looking for work; my body was awful and was being dragged along. We did not find work and decided to leave this place which has only had a negative effect on me. (And is expensive, though I’m not supposed to worry about money.) Anyway we hitched then split up and hitched but I could not get a lift and I felt worse for being on the road so I have come back to the hut. Hoping that in the morning I will feel lighter. At the moment I have no strength for my journey and my pilgrimage seems short of holy places and me far from being a holy person.
THE DAY THAT WAS SPOILED BY A DREAMS.
Wednesday September 29th
After writing last night a guy came round with a chillum and address for work. Improved my spirits. Really like the hut and Olaf too as he got into Pilgrims Guide and began discussing it with his French friends. This morning I woke-up early and redid yesterday’s walk with a little more spirit despite a pain in my side. Felt I was being told to do it again. Still no work so, quite gratefully, I began to hitch away from Saxone. Had another lesson when I forgot my bag; fortunately the driver went in a circle and the bag was returned. Slowly made progress. Was actually picked-up by a girl! Then at about 3pm I was dropped off at a nowhere place around 180kms from Chur. The village was full of large crosses. I couldn’t help but ask for a lift all the way to Chur. Miraculously one came and I mean miraculously. From an English guy, all the way across high and misty mountains, then (raining?) after the blue glacier & the windscreen wipers wouldn’t work properly. Amazingly I wasn’t frightened. The guy was nice; we talked about Don Juan and impeccability. Arriving I met an unsurprised Dick and Estee. Much relieved to be here. THE DAY OF THE MIRACULOUS LIFT IN THE MOUNTAINS.
Thursday September 30th
Really very little. Had a bath, read Shardik, posted a postcard to R. Read all day long. THE DAY I READ SHARDIK.
Friday 1st October
So with the warmth and security of civilization I preoccupy myself with thinking about food and unobserved sneaking of extra pieces of bread. Dick and Estee away this evening. When I’d finally done with eating I attempted a little meditation and studied my Yoga lessons which should be tried daily if possible. Also read the bible which is full of interest. This evening recentred on my journey via a book by Geoffrey Moorhouse and a tv program on St Francis. Still worrying about money and shouldn’t be. THE DAY I CLEANED THE KITCHEN FLOOR IN PARPAN.
Saturday 2nd October
During the night was dreaming again, particularly remember a dream in which I was Clyde Barrow telling Lucy about Bonnie’s death. Lucy was appalled and saddened. She said Bonnie had been spoilt by her schooling (maybe nuns). The day that followed was slow and greedy. In the evening read an amazing book about Uri geller. THE DAY I READ ABOUT SPACEMEN.
Sunday 3rd October
Awoke in morning after a dream in which I’d had another epileptic fit. Also dreamed I was underwater in a frogman’s suit; water got in my eyes and I couldn’t get it out. Other long weird dreams. –Looks as if I may be here until Friday when maybe Dick can get me a lift into Austria. Not really a long lift but maybe the reading I’m doing here is significant. –Day of vibes with Estee’s mother grumbling about the house and Dick and Estee talking about going to England. On the walk to Vabella they argue and I just think how weird it is that people who say they love each other can spend so much time arguing and how sad it is that I’ve lost my family. DICK AND ESTE ARGUE ON A SUNDAY.
Monday 4th October
Begin to question my role here. To wash up and keep Este comfortable. That is satisfactory. The rest of the time I spend eating and reading as if I’d never heard of discipline or of a pilgrimage to India. This afternoon meditated awhile and later looked at the night sky searching for the Star of Love. Later in evening discovered I have to leave Friday or Saturday. It is good to be so directed though I’m wary of the immediate future & going back on the road. Then I realize whichever way I go is the right route. Can’t think of anything to put in capital letters. GIVEN THE DATE OF DEPARTURE.
Tuesday 5th October
Reading Zen & the Art Of and thinking of leaving, realize that maybe I should be deeply thinking about something. But I’m not. I’m neither high nor low or anything really. An elderly woman, a Rosicrucian, visited today. Took it as a sign of sorts, a reminder of my search, but the search is so indefinable that I can’t even tell when I’m searching and when I’m not. What am I searching for? The ‘I’. How do I know when I’ve found him? That I don’t know. Maybe when the voice that says the affirmations at the beginning of the book is not just the voice of Dominic saying the voice. Yes, that must be the ‘I’ I am looking for, to merge with the one who is already there. And maybe I’m looking for the I that knows what ‘God is love on cavalry means. And I’m searching to know the I that loves all. I suppose that apart from keeping to my five basic rules there is nothing else I can do but go to India and pray that the rest is revealed to me. In the evening had a smoke. It does help. ZEN AND THE ART OF MOTORCYCLE MAINTENANCE.
Wednesday 6th October
First thing in the morning, beginning to think again. Never know whether I should be thinking or not. Maybe if you think you should, think deeply and when you’re not thinking you shouldn’t think at all. Siting still my head is catching up with me. Pirsig, Krishnamurti and maybe Don Juan as well seem to say you can’t and shouldn’t be trying to, conquer fear. Climbing one mountain makes the next no easier to climb. The aim is to live with the fear, to carry on regardless.
Today I got my arse and did something. In fact, ironically, I climbed a mountain, even reaching the snow though I wasn’t trying to. Fantastic sun and trees and snow capped mountains. In words, cliched, in reality, perfect. And the rushing shouting streams reminding me of seeing electricity in my trips with Dana. Soon I came down. I get freaked out when I get too high up, fear of sudden mists. Down and back to Pirsig who climbed down his mountain. I hadn’t really followed his thought but at the end I felt depressed so maybe thinking isn’t to be recommended. – a tool of the moment but not a ‘way’. – Later went to Varbelle with Este. Really pleased that my body is working at all after the last few days. THE DAY I REACHED THE SNOW AND THE MOUNTAINS
Thursday 7th October
Returned to my arse though Estee was unwell and there was a certain amount to do with the children. I’m not very good with Lucas really, impatient and maybe slightly rough which would be ok if it were a role but it isn’t a role. Children cut through any veneer of love & patience and they demand, require and receive only the real self. Or is that untrue? The ‘real’ self? Can’t say anything these days. All this talk about ‘thought’ and ‘thinking’ and I forget my theory that what we normally call thinking is only a stammer. Pure thought is direct and with few words. – In the evening decided to sleep out as a test of the weather which is hot in the day and clear at night. Came out at 11 p.m. lasted until 5a.m. Not a lot of sleep; too uncomfortable though not cold until the morning. The moon was full, or just about. Around the moon were coloured lights, yellow, purple, green –half a rainbow. Couldn’t stare too long because I was too cold with my head out of the sleeping-bag. Didn’t ‘get off’ on the experience but maybe it said something that I could actually forswear a little comfort. Had thought this was my last day but Dick and Este seemed quite keen on my waiting for the lift on Saturday. CHOOSING TO SLEEP OUT IN PARPAN.
Friday 8th October
 |
| PARPAN |
Have really enjoyed the views of Papon this year, skies, mountains, trees frequently harmonising. Dick and Estie went for their dancing evening in Chur. I pigged myself, lazed and took to bed. Reread my Yogananda lessons. Sent a birthday card to Yasmi. What can I out in capital letters? A VERY LAZY AND MOST ENJOYABLE DAY IN PARPAN.
Saturday 9th October
Don Juan following me around. First Dick showed me one of the books and then an Austrian with five children gave me a beautiful lift to Innsbruck and talked about Don Juan on the way. Am in Innsbruck this evening, eating soup and bread paid for me by the money he gave me, 200 schillings. He was a nice man, very much into what I’m doing though I did try to explain what a hopeless case I was. Am now worrying about the night out to follow. Took only a few minutes to feel homesick for Dick and Estee. They’ve been so good to me. Even packed me off with boiled eggs and carrots. Also Dick put some hosepipe on my bag which makes it a lot easier to carry. Thankyou, thankyou. Then Dick’s friend took me across the border, then two short lifts brought me to 140ks to Innsbruck. A long wait, began to feel cold, then this superb lift complete with Beatles music. Back on the road with the tears, fears, changes and frantic prayers that I bring to it. Am not keen on this sleeping out trip but can’t comment until the morning. My first night alone (except for 2 in warm Papon) since I left England.. – Later, tried to hitch further and met a german guy who gave me a smoke before moving on, then made up my bed by the side of the road and went to sleep. –In future change socks before sleeping.
DON JUAN FOLLOWS ME TO AUSTRIA.
Sunday 10th October
Wake-up cold (but not shivering), very damp with the sleeping-bag wet with due. Fortunately it is sunny and after a while I dry out. Took a while to get a lift and then it began, six lifts to Salzburg. I met up with yet another german guy after he’d hitched a lift from a coach. Shared a smoke and chocolate icecreams bought with schillings. Stuck for a lift he suggested we walk the last few kilometres to the border. Was a funny walk. Still had hopes of seeing Salzburg on a Sunday. Reaching the border we found a park full of lorries stuck because they weren’t allowed in Austria on a Sunday. Wouldn't have thought much about it if I hadn't seen three lorries together with ‘Istanbul’ written on them. With prompting from the German guy I went to see if I could get a lift to Greece. Not much success for a while. ‘Please god’, I say at the back of my mind, ‘not my will but yours’ and then a Scots guy hails me. He’s off to Iran via Bulgaria. Pity, I say, I’ve no visa and no injections. It’ll be all-right he says so I agree to give it a go. We don’t move at all because of border hassles and I get cramp in both legs before falling asleep. MIRACLE IN SALZBURG
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