Welcome to my blog which today consists of a story.
THREE WOMEN
I don’t know what was in the white powder that I gave to Lucy. I did know it would kill her. She drove off in her little red car, smiling and waving. See you soon, she said. I knew she wouldn’t but as there was no point in saying anything, I waved back and then came into the caravan to make lunch for my boy, Duggy.
Lucy was the first. I wish I could remember who the other two were.
I was a little confused by what I had done. She’s such a nice person, Lucy. She talks a lot but doesn’t really bother anyone. I put the powder in a drink and said, Try this Lucy. It tastes horrible but it’ll fix your cold in no time. She believed me. Why wouldn’t she?
She won’t know that I caused her death. No-one will. If it wasn’t for the other two I wouldn’t really have anything to worry about. Did I give them the powder too? On the same day? Or did it take longer than that? It’s dead weird not being able to remember things properly. If I don’t know the truth, what will I say if anyone asks?
I have this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. I could get into big trouble over this. They’ll think I did it on purpose and lock me up for years. Suddenly I’ll be gone and what will happen to Duggy then? It’d really hurt him to lose me and it’s not fair that he should. Sometimes I cry when I think how unfair everything is. This time it’s partly my own fault because I’ve not been good at seeing the consequences of things.
There’s so much to think about yet most of the time I can hardly think at all. I’m in a sort of fog, a bit adrift from the world around me. I feel like I’m in a movie where the sounds and mouth movements don’t match. Do you know what I mean? Does it happen to you?
I call Duggy my boy. I’m not his real dad. I sort of ended up with him when me and Sue split up a couple of years ago. She said she didn’t want him anymore but I reckoned someone should so I’ve been giving it a try. It’s hard being a man in this world if no-one teaches you properly. I’ve shown Duggy lots of mean tricks like how to handle a knife and skin a rabbit. When he’s big he’ll know how to look after himself. He can even drive the car. We get along fine most of the time. I don’t smack him and I don’t shout at him. But he knows who’s boss. He was eight years old a couple of weeks ago. I laugh when people say he looks like me.
I suppose Beth was the second one. That’s my guess, that’s what it feels like. She’s the most likely, being the only one I’ve got anything against. She shouldn’t have left me like that. I’d been good to her, the best I’ve ever been. I would have given my life for her. She’s the only woman I’ve asked to marry me. And she said no.
Making love with Beth was like making love to the other half of me. It wasn’t that the sex was fantastic or anything like that but inside of me, in the heart I guess. I was warmed and happy. It was a terrible shock when she upped and left saying, I’ve changed, I want to try something different. Of course I know she meant someone rather than something. As if he could love her even half as much as I do.
It is possible she came to see me here. She does sometimes when she wants her car checking out. She drops in on the way to pick her kids up from school so that she doesn’t have to stay any longer than she needs to. She smiles and flirts a little, just to make sure I’m still interested, still in her power. Then she casually mentions the car and that it’s been ‘not been sounding right’. We both know what she is doing. I feel ashamed for her but I still fix the frigging car because I love her and can’t bring myself to let her down. If I’ve killed Beth then she has to take some of the blame.
Three. I’m sure it was three. There’s a hazy picture in my head, like a photograph that’s coming out blank. I can see a white border and I just know there should be three faces there. Lucy, Beth, and someone else.
Will the police connect Lucy’s death with Beth’s? I doubt it. Lucy said she was going to drive up north that afternoon. I think she’ll have died at the wheel of the car. The powder takes three or four hours to work. I can remember that. When they find the body they’ll just assume she crashed. All her friends know what a poor driver she is. She’s written off cars before. With that powder in her body she shouldn’t have felt a thing. She was so pretty, it’d be a shame if she were disfigured.
I could ask Duggy if Beth came to visit that day. She brings him sweets though I’ve told her they’re not good for him. But I don’t want him to know I’m worried or that I get the days mixed up. And I don’t want him speaking to the police.
I’m so tired. If only I could sleep properly. That’s why I got the powder in the first place, to help me sleep. I haven’t dared use it because it’s so damn strong.
Maybe it is time to move on, to get away from this field of half-remembered sorrow. We could go abroad. Duggy could learn French or something. I could fix cars. I wouldn’t need the language to fix cars. Maybe we could find somewhere near the sea. I love to swim.
Molly must have been the third. Molly’s my best friend. We can talk about anything. Not like Lucy does, not all surface stuff. Real talk. About men and women and what goes on inside our heads. She’d be shocked if she knew what I had done. But why would I kill Molly? Without her they’d be no-one to talk to, no-one to listen to. No-one who can make me laugh.
I wish I could get rid of this sense of something being wrong. It’s like a shadow on my brain that stops me settling in myself. I snapped at Duggy earlier when he asked for a drink. I had no reason to. I’m too easily irritated. Perhaps I should see a doctor about my nerves because I don’t usually let things bother me so much. Maybe it’s having a child around all the time. People say I should let Duggy go to school. He’s been asking to go but I don’t like the idea of them getting hold of his mind. They’d turn him against me and he’d start wanting all those stupid things that the other kids want. There’s got to be a better life for Duggy than TVs, phones and computer games. I can’t afford any of that stuff anyway.
Death happens all the time, doesn’t it? The police don’t have to be suspicious. They wouldn’t have to link Beth and Lucy at all. And if they did, they wouldn’t think of me. Even if they found out that both of them had been here, it wouldn’t have to seem so strange.They could see I had no motive, no reason for upsetting anyone. I’m just anxious in case they start asking me questions. I don’t want them to notice how confused I am.
I don’t think I can stand much more of this. I don’t feel good at all. I’m lost in this field. All I want is for things to be all right, to get on with my life. It’s not reasonable that I have to go through all this. I’ve never been a bad man and never set out to hurt anyone. Molly understood that. It’d be great if she could turn up now and make me smile.
It doesn’t seem possible that I could have given the powder to Molly. She would have noticed any deception in me. She was clever like that and I could never lie to her.
I hope Duggy didn’t see anything. I wouldn’t like him to think that his dad was horrible to his friends. This whole thing leaves a nasty taste in my mouth. Believe me, there was no premeditation, no foresight. It wasn’t planned. I’ve never made plans, never known where I wanted to go. When I travel I just get the feeling to leave where I am. I pace up and down for a couple of hours trying to guess what’s wrong then I call out, Okay Duggy. We’re going now. He never asks me where anymore because he knows I don’t know and he knows I don’t like being asked about what I don’t know.
So I reckon that’s how it was this morning or whenever it happened. I was probably having quite a nice time with Lucy as I usually do. Or maybe she could see the fog in my head and wanted to get away. Somewhere in this mind the idea would have arisen. More than an idea. Ideas are things that live in the head and can’t get out. This would have been something more, like the moment when I discover I’m leaving, a complete event in itself that isn’t really anything to do with me. It’s not that I don’t think about what I’m doing. I move around the caravan putting everything in its place. It hardly takes me any time at all now. Then I check out the car and make sure Duggy is fed and ready to move. For a short time everything is just right and the fog lifts.
Once the decision had been made, I bet I felt real good. I bet I moved with grace. Lucy’s a good person to practise on because she’s so naïve and trusting. I don’t know how people get to be like that in this day and age with the world being so hard and everything. I guess it makes you want to protect her. You wouldn’t shout at her or get pissed off with her, even though she says such stupid things. Maybe it was wrong of me to take advantage of her innocence but at least she wouldn’t have sensed anything, wouldn’t have become disappointed.
Beth told me she wasn’t going to see me anymore. Today she told me.
When I was little we lived by a wood. Mum would send us out to play by the swings at the far end of the trees. I loved being outside although my sisters usually complained and told mum they wouldn’t look after me unless she gave them extra sweets. I didn’t think I needed looking after. It wasn’t my fault that I was younger than them and I hated it when they laughed at me. The day the man found me stuck in the tree, they’d made me go up and then run away shouting and dancing. I wet myself up there. I called for my mum but I knew she would never come.
I’d never let anyone treat my Duggy like that. Especially girls. I’m not sexist or anything but when women won’t love men properly then what do they expect us to do? There has to be consequences. If there’s a problem here then my sisters ought to be punished for what they did. I hated them from that day on but they never cared and never said sorry.
I loved Beth too much to ever hate her. I know what people say about love turning to hate but it was never like that for me. I’d pay money to hate her. I awake in pain because of her. She’s that feeling inside, of everything that has ever been taken away from me.
Beth said she wouldn’t see me anymore because she didn’t think it did either of us any good, that it hurt me and made her feel guilty. That’s what she said. I nodded and said I understood but I didn’t understand at all. I’ve known many women. Made love to loads of them. I’ve been left a few times too but losing Beth was losing myself. I’m just not there anymore.
I told her I’d been given a chinese medicine that would help her kidney complaint. I knew she wouldn’t be able to resist taking one more thing from me before she left. If she had cared about what I thought, I would have spoken then, would have told her how much I loved her and that if I was harming her it was only because I couldn’t stand the pain one more damn moment and that she was standing in my sunlight, taking my life away.
She would have looked at her watch and said she needed to pick up the kids.
I’d forgotten the kids. I hope they’re not around when she dies. Beth was such a selfish person. Maybe their father will be glad to take them on. She’d never given him the chance. I was doing well with her kids too. They were part of her so I gave what I could. I think she should have appreciated that.
If Beth has gone then it really is time to move on. I was hanging out to be with her. I bet tomorrow I’ll get that feeling and I’ll be gone before I know it.
Molly went too far, that’s the truth of it. She didn’t say anything when I told her what had happened, what I’d done. She just listened like she does, like it was nothing special. I hadn’t meant to say a word but my head was fogging up and I thought it might help to talk. I felt a bit embarrassed when I started because I don’t find it easy to chat about what goes on inside of me where people can’t see. I worry that I won’t be understood, that people will judge me without hearing the full facts. I thought Molly knew me, really knew me. I thought she was on my side. When I saw that look of doubt on her face there was no choice in the matter. I grabbed the breadknife and lunged, all in one movement. She wasn’t frightened. Not at all. I think she could have swayed out the way if she had wanted to. She smiled. Not at me, at death. I was sorry to make such a mess of her though I knew she had no great liking for her body. I dragged it out and tried to bury it beneath a tree but I was tired and a little dizzy so I just left it there.
There are people outside now. I can hear them. I don’t think I’m going to get away from all this trouble. I really hoped it would be all right.
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