Sunday, 5 August 2012

EPISODE 66: IN WHICH THE AUTHOR DOESN'T SHOPLIFT, DOES WORK, AND CONTINUES TO NOT ENJOY XENEPHOBIA.


Welcome to my blog which is sitting in the kitchen where I can see the back garden which is abundant in flowers and vegetation that has become triffid like in the rains. The garden is such a treat because I never know what is going to appear next. Because it has been so wet, some flowers come and go between the storms and may never be seen. For me it is a quiet morning after a trip up North yesterday which became quite tiring as a 3.5 hour journey stretched into 4.5 both ways owing to accidents closing the motorway. This type of closure now seems to happen once in every three journeys and always there is the mixture of relief at not having been in the accident and of a reluctant acknowledgment that such a catastrophe could happen at any time.

What did happen was that at 8.30 in the morning, I called into the services for a cup of tea and to buy a pint of milk for the friend I was visiting who lives in a boat faraway from a shop. When I paid for the milk, the woman behind the counter said, ‘And what about the tobacco?’ ‘What tobacco?’ I asked. ‘The Drum Gold tobacco that you asked for and that I put on the counter,’ she said. ‘I didn’t ask for tobacco,’ I said, ’and I didn’t see any on the counter’. She wasn’t satisfied with this. ‘I put it there,’ she reaffirmed. ‘You can check my pockets, if you like,’ I offered as I began to empty them, only to find that the first thing I took out was a packet of Drum Gold tobacco. ‘This can’t be the one you mean,’ I explained, ‘look, it is half empty.’ For a long five minutes we repeated ourselves until suddenly a look of horror appeared on her face and she said, ‘Oh, I am so sorry. I remember now, it was a different man. Really I’m too tired for this job, I’m no good at it, I’d rather work with animals.’

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Nearly every moment this week has been focussed on the Day of the Dead. (Obviously that isn’t actually true. It just feels like that. The places where my mind has actually spent its week neither of us want to know.) On Tuesday morning I was despondent as I envisaged an ill-attended financially mortifying event losing me the best part of £5,000. This was always the danger of budgeting realistically. Fortunately, my friend Ali is an unmathematical optimist and she spent the best part of Tuesday and Wednesday rejigging the figures more rosily. A plan to increase the possible income by transferring the hip-hop event from one venue to another was scuppered by the ‘straighter’ venue which refused to have the vomiting and non-spending youth on their premises. I asked if we called the genre rural grunge rather than hip-hop, would we be allowed in but only got a wry smile in return.

Although I’ve resisted budgeting, the panic I’ve been feeling, ‘not enough people will come’ and ‘I’ll lose a small fortune’, are clearly budgeting thoughts that needed to be examined and, hopefully, discreated. The numbers I need not to lose money are quite considerable but not, I suppose, unattainable. In the meantime I’ve sent begging letters to Nick Cage and Mike Eavis. Once Ali had misaddedup me into a loss of £500, I found myself justifying a further allocation of £500 to the much desired (by me) Copperdollar n the grounds that this is my sixtieth year and I deserve to give myself a present I want.

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The temporary but Olympian North Koreanization of Britain by the BBC and the Tory government continues apace. As I speak the commentators are congratulating themselves that ‘the country has never felt like this before.’ It is truly embarrassing and seriously worrying. The same media are stirring the crowds to scream and shout idiotically whenever a british competitor appears, even though they probably compete in sports that precious few know or care about. This adoration of freakish brawn is positively primitive. When I say that we should have bigger crowds to watch scientists think about the universe, I am treated like Victor Meldrew. I’m not anti-sport and I felt really thrilled to watch the Ethiopian woman 10,000 metres runner storming to the finish with a big smile on her face but the combination of narrow patriotism and heroic hyperbole is driving me nuts.

(Incidentally, just heard Michael Phelps called ‘hugely talented.’ No; he’s a swimmer with big feet.)

For the past hour or so, I have been perusing my copy of ‘Deep Socialism’ by Wilberg to find a pithy quote to explain my disquiet with this abuse of intelligence called the british propaganda Olympics. (Which, by the way, has hastened the end of the adverb. Blair began it when he said ‘we will do it right’ but the sports world has taken the adverb abolition by storm.) Unfortunately there isn’t an axiom that says it all but basically it is to do with the market commodification of value. The nauseating sponsor-driven identikit ‘Team GB’, (cynically paid for by coco-cola and a host of other multinationals) is part of this turning of real human value into the symbolic value of a brand – the very economic Nazism that has allowed the fraudster banksters to impoverish the 80%, the huge global underclass, the under-nourished, the under-valued, the under-paid, the under-employed and unemployed.

So it goes.

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