Monday 30th September
Today I am seeking inspiration, to be inspired.
Inspire is ‘fill with the urge or ability to do or feel something.’ So it seems
I want to be filled with the urge to do something. Of course I do have urges to
do stuff throughout the day but the stuff usually consists of having another
cup of tea or smoke or to waste more time doodling on the internet reading
stuff I’m only half interested in. Yesterday I found myself ‘chatting’ with an
Iranian woman shop-owner and a Polish teacher. It is kind of satisfying to
amuse a lazy Persian and to make her laugh but hardly profound or productive.
In fact she’s just messaged me again and I spent 10-15 minutes thinking of
something witty to reply with. Pointless.
I don’t actually have to do something. If I could
be inspired to do nothing better, that would be effective.
Really I’m just giving my mind things to think
about rather than letting it think nothing.
But what really needs changing? What’s the
context? What, if anything, is important?
I am 60.
This body is sixty.
Again I ask myself, ‘what is important?’
Three answers: 1) Nothing 2) Expanded awareness
3) My health.
If nothing is important, which I guess is
ultimately true, then what? Then I suppose you just do what interests you.
Why do I think expanded awareness may be
important? Because it is what the wise people say and because sometimes I think
I know from my experience that happiness = expanded awareness. (To be
discussed.)
My health is important - to me.
I think I need to have this conversation in a
different way and I should give voice to a Self that wants to say something
without interrupting it with counter arguments.
Dear John,
I bet your blood pressure is up and that sense of
being dizzy is part of it. You must give up smoking tobacco. You do it all day
long. The habit controls your life, makes you stink, makes you unable to be
anywhere where you can’t smoke and it will kill you, or worse, maim and disable
you permanently before very long.
You must give up smoking dope. You are entirely
dependent on it for your good mood, for your sanity and for everything else. It
keeps you permanently distracted from life and turns every day into the same
bloody day. It makes you doubt yourself and be ashamed of yourself. You won’t
get to 70 like this.
Take up chi kong as what you do, get better. Be
fitter at 70 than 60.
Tuesday
So that’s where I stopped yesterday. Then I went
for a walk and went to check my blood pressure. 121/77. Normal. Today I went
and the machine said 102/50, which seems pretty low for someone who was,
apparently, border line high pressure. Went into the doctor’s and was told
would have to wait for 16 days for an appointment. I said, is it ok to wait so
long with what appeared to be plummeting pressure? Maybe not, said the
receptionist, I’ll ask a doctor to ring you. The doctor then rang; I’m to have
an ECG tomorrow and an appointment on Thursday.
Am I worried? A little.
Thursday
So the doctor says nothing is wrong although she
could provide no explanation for the dizziness. This is good news tempered by
some doubt for I know I don’t feel as I would like to.
In the time I’ve been waiting I’ve been in freeze
mode (i.e. flight, fright, freeze). Contemplating giving up my smoking habits
distressed me so I smoked some extra. Ironically I didn’t go to the chi kung
class which was going t be the foundation stone f my new health regime designed
to have me fitter in ten years time than I am now.
So it goes, so I go.
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